Potty training is one of the biggest transitions in early childhood. It is exciting, emotional, exhausting, rewarding, and sometimes overwhelming — for both children and adults. Whether you are a parent, educator, caregiver, or childcare director, we have all likely heard or used the phrase:

“You have underwear on now. You’re a big girl” or “You’re a big boy now.”

But have we ever stopped to think about why we use this language?

In 2023, I conducted research at a childcare centre exploring the idea of “labeling underwear” during potty training. A survey was completed by 21 educators and 20 parents to gather thoughts on potty training practices and the language commonly used with children.

What I discovered was eye-opening.

Many of the phrases we use are rooted in commercial messaging and social expectations rather than child development. In many cases, people were using these phrases simply because they had heard them for years — not because they truly understood the impact those words can have on children.

Potty Training Should Not Feel Like Pressure

Potty training should be engaging, supportive, and child-centered — not rushed, stressful, or forced.

As a mother myself, I remember feeling overwhelmed when I was told my child had to be potty trained before starting school. I was encouraged to buy books, follow strict routines, and complete “3-day potty training methods.” I remember looking at one parenting book thinking, “I have to read all of this just to help my child use the toilet?”

Parents today are often told there is a “right” formula:

• the 3-day drill,
• no underwear methods,
• timers every 20 minutes,
• reward systems,
• “big girl” or “big boy” underwear,
• and endless potty-training checklists.

Some days it feels like potty training requires a project manager, a stopwatch, and emotional support snacks for the adults involved.

But in the middle of all these systems and strategies, we sometimes forget to ask the most important question:

How does the child feel?

Readiness Looks Different for Every Child

True potty-training readiness is not about age, pressure, or comparison. It is about the child’s individual development and comfort level.

We should be asking:

• Can my child communicate when they need to use the toilet?
• Are they showing curiosity or awareness about their body?
• Are they able to pull clothing up and down?
• How do they respond emotionally during the process?
• When should I pause if I notice resistance or distress?

As an educator in a childcare centre, I have witnessed many children being pushed into potty training before they were emotionally or developmentally ready. Some adults believe children do not experience stress during potty training, but they absolutely do.

Stress can show up in different ways:

• withdrawal from meals,
• sleep changes,
• emotional outbursts,
• anxiety,
• refusal,
• or changes in behavior.

When our language pushes children to “be something,” it can unintentionally create pressure and shame. But when our language supports children where they currently are, it helps build confidence without fear.

Underwear Does Not Define Maturity

The phrase “You’re a big girl” or “You’re a big boy” teaches children very little about how their bodies actually work.

Underwear is simply clothing. It is meant to cover the body — not to measure maturity or worth.

When children hear these labels repeatedly, they may begin to associate accidents with failure. In childcare settings, this can also affect peer relationships. One child may tell another, “You’re not big because you wear pull-ups,” which can create embarrassment or emotional hurt.

Children should never feel that their value is connected to what they wear during potty training.

Accidents are not failures. Accidents are part of learning.

We do not expect a child to ride a bike perfectly the first time they try. We hold the handlebars, guide them, support them, and eventually — through practice and encouragement — they learn independently.

Potty training works the same way.

It is not a 3-day achievement. It is a gradual learning process built through consistency, patience, trust, and participation.

And honestly, if adults needed a timer, sticker chart, and applause every time we learned a new life skill, staff meetings would look very different.

Bring the System to the Child

One of the biggest lessons from my research is this:

We cannot force children to fit into a system. We must bring the system to the child’s pace.

Following the child’s lead means respecting their body, emotions, and readiness cues. It means understanding that every child learns differently and at their own pace.

Children are human beings deserving of dignity, patience, and support.

Starter Steps for Potty Training

Before focusing on full toilet independence, we can begin with foundational experiences that build comfort and confidence.

Start With:

• Talking about potty training through stories, songs, poems, or videos
• Allowing children to simply sit on the potty without pressure
• Offering positive praise and encouragement
• Practicing pulling underwear or pull-ups up and down independently

These early steps help children:

• build independence,
• strengthen self-help skills,
• reduce anxiety,
• and become familiar with the process naturally.

This approach also allows parents and educators to observe how children are responding emotionally and developmentally.

Helpful Next Steps

As children become more comfortable, we can gradually introduce:

• Language that labels body sensations (“Your body is telling you it’s time to pee.”)
• Modeling from siblings or peers
• Sticker charts or small rewards
• Celebrating success with songs, high-fives, and encouraging words
• Underwear or pull-ups
• Gentle reminders or timers when appropriate

The goal is not perfection. The goal is confidence, awareness, and trust.

A Child-Centered Approach Matters

My perspective is not presented as the only way to potty train. However, it is shaped by years of experience working with children and families, combined with research exploring attitudes toward potty training practices.

This research deepened my understanding of developmentally appropriate and responsive approaches for children beginning the potty-training journey.

Potty training should never be rooted in fear, shame, pressure, or emotional stress. Language that labels underwear as a symbol of being “big” may unintentionally create emotional confusion or discourage children who are still learning.

Instead, children thrive when adults respond with:

• patience,
• calm support,
• consistency,
• encouragement,
• and understanding.

Supportive reactions help children develop confidence, body awareness, and emotional security while learning at their own pace.

Every child’s journey will look different — and that is okay.

Let us move away from pressure and move toward respect.

Let us create environments where children feel safe to learn, safe to make mistakes, and safe to grow.

Because when we slow down and follow the child, potty training becomes more than a milestone — it becomes a relationship built on trust.

“Let’s give children the best experiences that we can, especially with what is in our control.”